Wedding Bell Blues
by Erin T. Aardvark
Summary: Cyril falls for a rich lady aardvark who is only interested in his money
1. Alone Again, Naturally

It was a typical spring day. Cyril was on the phone, yelling at the person on the other end about something or another. Cedric wasn't paying any attention to his father. He was busy going through the accounting books, making sure everything was in order, like Cyril had ordered him to do.

"I swear, Cedric, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself!" Cyril yelled, slamming the phone down.

"Does that mean you're going to go through your own books, Pop?" Cedric asked.

"Of course not! I didn't pay for your college education just so I could go through my accounts! That's what you're here for!"

Cedric said nothing more, and continued his calculating. He had learned a long time ago never to argue with his father when he was angry about a business deal.

Cyril stormed out of his office and walked down the hallway. On his way up the stairs, he looked into the den, and found Sophia sitting on the couch, sewing on something. He walked over to her and just stood there.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Just mending the curtains," Sophia said, not bothering to look up. "They really need it."

"Why not call the Pigs to do that?" Cyril asked. "That's the trouble with you, Sofa Girl. You don't know how to live high! When you have this much money, you don't spend your time mending curtains! That's the servant's job!"

"It's all right, Mr. Sneer," Sophia replied. "I don't mind doing it. After all, Cedric does most of the cooking, anyway."

"Don't remind me."

It wasn't that Cedric was a bad cook, it was just that Cyril couldn't understand how in the world he preferred cooking to business. He often wondered if there could have been a mix up at the hospital when Cedric was born, but he knew that wasn't possible. Cedric had a lot of qualities that belonged to his late mother, and Cyril wouldn't touch that subject with a ten foot pole.

Cyril left the room and went back to his office. Cedric was finally finished with the books.

"Everything's all present and accounted for, Pop," he said, closing the final book he was working on.

"Good," Cyril said. "Now then, Cedric, clear out! I need to think of a sure fire way to make some money, and I can't do it while you're standing there doing nothing!"

Cedric shrugged, and left the room. Cyril wasn't really thinking about money for once. He was thinking about his late wife. Seeing Sophia mending the curtains brought back a lot of things, mostly memories from his past. Memories about his late wife. He didn't like to think about her. He figured the less he remembered her, the better, but that didn't always work. There were times when he just couldn't help himself. This was one of those times.

"Darn that Sofa Girl, anyway," he grumbled. "She just has to be the perfect housewife. And because of that she just reminds me of . . . ."

Cyril couldn't even bring himself to say his late wife's name out loud. He just sat there, drumming his fingers on the desk, when the Pigs came into the office.

"Excuse us, sir," Lloyd said. "But . . . . what are you doing?"

"What do you mean what am I doing?!" Cyril shouted.

"Well, you're sitting at your desk, and there's nothing on it to sign, or anything like that."

"I know that! I'm thinking!"

"About what?" Boyd asked.

"About a way to get three little piggies out of my office before I turn into the big bad wolf and huff and puff and blow them clear across the county! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

"Yes sir, yes sir!" the Pigs shouted, and they raced out of Cyril's office as fast as they could.

Cyril calmed down for a moment, and sat back down at his desk. He turned towards the window, and stared out of it for a moment or so.

"Alone again," he sighed. "Naturally."


	2. Rita Ritzley

The next day, Cyril was back to barking orders at Cedric and the Pigs, and he was back to practically screaming over the phone about business deals.

"Looks like Pop's on the war path," Cedric warned Sophia.

"I've noticed," Sophia replied. "Nothing stops him when it comes to business does it?"

Cedric was about to say something when Cyril came into the room, looking like he had just lost a million dollars in a stock market crash.

"Do you two have to stand there all day?!" he shouted. "I tell you, it's sickening looking at the two of you together!"

"Pop, are you feeling okay?" Cedric asked.

"I'm perfectly fine!" Cyril yelled. "Why must you pry into my personal life like this?!"

"It's just that you've kind of been on edge since yesterday. And . . . . well, you seem a bit more . . . . edgy than you usually are."

"Edgy! Who's edgy! Just because I happen to be yelling a little more than I usually do, doesn't mean I'm edgy!"

Cedric backed off. It was obvious Cyril was not in the mood to discuss anything. Things were silent for a little while until they heard Forest start to cry from upstairs in the nursery. Sophia sighed, and started up the stairs.

"I'd better go get the baby," she said.

"You do that," Cyril replied. "I've got to get back to work."

Cyril went back into his office, and just sat there for awhile. After a few minutes, the Pigs came in, carrying the mail.

"Mail's here, sir," Boyd said.

"Just put it on the desk," Cyril replied. "I'll look at it later."

"You might want to look at it now," Lloyd said. "There's something in here from Lady Baden-Baden."

"What does she want now?" Cyril groaned, taking the envelope from Lloyd. He ripped it open and pulled the contents out of it.

"Oh brother," he groaned. "She's having another one of her social get-togethers this afternoon."

"Should we send your regrets, sir?" Boyd asked.

"No, I might as well go," Cyril grumbled. "I'll probably have to drive Sofa Girl over there anyway, since she writes that stupid social column in that stupid paper."

And that was all there was to that. Cyril did go to Lady Baden-Baden's party, but he made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to enjoy himself.

"I don't understand why you're here anyway, Mr. Sneer," Sophia said.

"I figured I'd might as well," Cyril replied. "You've got to cover this for the newspaper, and I've not nothing else planned for today."

Sophia sighed, and went to find Melissa, who was probably taking photos around somewhere. Her hunch was right.

"Hi, Melissa," she said.

"Hey Sophia," Melissa replied. "I just saw Cyril. Is he okay? He looks a little on edge."

"He's been a bit edgy since yesterday, but you know Mr. Sneer. He'd rather loose a fortune than to talk about what's on his mind."

"That's true."

The girls laughed over that, and started walking around. Cyril was doing his best to avoid practically everyone at the party. He wasn't in the mood to even be there, and he thought about leaving. In fact, he was about to make his way back to his car when Lady Baden-Baden approached him.

"Oh Mr. Sneer!" she called. "So delightful of you to come!"

"Yeah well," Cyril said. "Sorry I can't stay, but I must be running."

"Oh before you leave, I'd like to introduce you to someone."

"Some other time perhaps. I really need to . . . ."

"Oh, but this will only take a moment!"

Before Cyril could say anything more, Lady Baden-Baden practically dragged him over to another part of her yard.

"Mr. Sneer, you must meet Miss Ritzley before you leave," she said. "She's the owner of Ritzley Incorporated!"

Cyril had heard of Ritzley Incorporated. In two years, the company had made at least seven trillion dollars, and their profits were still climbing. But what he didn't know was that the company was owned by a woman! This he had to see, figuring that this woman was probably as old as he was, maybe even older, but the only person that Lady Baden-Baden was indicating was a young, dark-haired, girl aardvark, wearing a black business suit, black pumps, and talking on a cellular phone.

"I don't care what it takes!" she shouted into her phone. "You get those profits higher, you get me?!"

And with that, she pushed a button on her phone, and stuffed it into her purse.

"Good help is _so_ hard to find these days," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Don't I know it," Cyril said.

"Mr. Sneer, may I present to you Miss Rita Ritzley," Lady Baden-Baden said. "Miss Ritzley, this is Cyril Sneer."

"Of Sneer Enterprises?" Rita asked. "I've heard about your company, Mr. Sneer, and I am impressed with the way you handle business."

"Really," Cyril said. "Well, Miss Ritzley, your company is pretty impressive, itself. Seven trillion dollars in two years. That's pretty impressive."

"Oh, I'm sure that's nothing compared to your company, Mr. Sneer."

"Well . . . . if I didn't have such lousy employees . . . . . as you said, good help is hard to find. And . . . . you can go ahead and call me Cyril."

Melissa and Sophia happened to look over and saw Cyril talking to Rita, and they looked at each other.

"Recognize the look on Cyril's face?" Melissa asked.

"Reminds me of Cedric when he and I first met," Sophia commented.

Melissa nodded, and stifled a laugh. For the rest of the afternoon, Cyril and Rita discussed their businesses.

"I'd love to stay and talk more, Cyril," Rita said. "But I must be going. I can't spend too much time away from the office."

"Been there, done that," Cyril commented. "But why not come over to my place for dinner sometime? We could pick up this discussion then."

"Sounds good to me. How about tomorrow night at seven?"

"I'll be looking forward to it, Rita."

"Believe me, so will I."

And with that, Rita left. Cyril turned around, and headed for his own car.

"Let's go, Sofa Girl!" he shouted. "I don't have all day!"

"See you later, Melissa," Sophia said. "Tell Ralph I'll run my column over tomorrow morning."

"You got it," Melissa replied.

Sophia ran to Cyril's car and climbed in.

"So who was that you were talking to, Mr. Sneer?" she asked.

"Rita Ritzley," Cyril responded. "Owner of Ritzley Incorporated. Her company made seven trillion dollars in two years."

"Sounds like your kind of woman."

"Believe me, Sofa Girl, she is!"


	3. Meet the Family

By the next morning, Cyril was (strangely enough) in a good mood. He came into the kitchen actually whistling a tune. Cedric was a little surprised.

"Are your stocks up, Pop?" he asked.

"Better than that, Cedric, my boy!" Cyril shouted.

"What could be better than stocks being up?" Sophia asked. "To you, I mean. Unless you made a million dollars overnight."

"It's even better than that, my dear Sophia!" Cyril shouted. Then he grabbed Sophia's hand and twirled her around for a moment. Then he walked off into his office.

"Did he call me what I think he called me?" Sophia asked, beyond confused.

"I think he did," Cedric replied. "I don't know what happened, but Pop's sure in a good mood because of it!"

Cyril came back into the kitchen just then.

"Don't make any plans for tonight," he said. "I'm expecting company for dinner, and I need both of you, and the Pigs, here."

"Who are you trying to impress now, Pop?" Cedric asked. "Mr. Mammoth?"

"No, Rita Ritzley," Cyril said. "Of Ritzley Incorporated. She's coming over to dinner tonight."

"Rita Ritzley?" Cedric asked, a bit dumbfounded. "You're inviting a business_woman_ to dinner?"

"What's so surprising about that?"

"Well, it's just that you've always said that women can't do business. You're always saying that a woman's place is cleaning the house, cooking the meals, and taking care of the kids."

"I've had a change of heart."

Cyril walked off just then, and he looked like he was on Cloud Nine. Cedric and Sophia glanced at each other, wondering what in the world had come over him!

Later in the day, Cyril was in the nursery spending time with Forest. Much to Cedric's and Sophia's surprise, he volunteered to watch the baby for awhile. Usually, Cedric and Sophia had to twist his arm to get him to baby-sit! It didn't matter much to Forest. He adored his grandfather.

"Well, Forest, tonight, you're going to see your grandpa in action," he said. "I've invited a friend to dinner. A lady friend, if you will. Just you wait. You think your dad's the only one around here who can get a girl, then you ain't seen nothin' yet, kid!"

Forest giggled and clapped his hands. He didn't have any idea what Cyril was saying. He only learned to talk not too long ago, but he still had a very limited vocabulary.

Seven o' clock finally rolled around. Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs were standing around, waiting for Cyril to come down the stairs. He raced down them the minute the doorbell rang, somewhat breathlessly.

"This house is too big," he said. "I may have to renovate the place."

The doorbell rang again, and all Cyril had to do was glare at the Pigs, and they raced for it. Lloyd opened the door.

"Welcome to Sneer Mansion," he said. "Miss Rita Ritzley, I presume?"

"You're pretty sharp for a stupid hunk of bacon," Rita said, coming into the room. She took off her wrap, and promptly dropped it on Floyd.

"I like her already," Lloyd said, sarcastically. "I like her about as much as I like getting my teeth drilled."

Rita walked into the main hallway and looked around. Cyril was a bit dumbstruck then. Rita was wearing a long, red, off-the-shoulder Paris gown, long red gloves, and red high heels. She had her hair swept up at the top of her head. Cyril was practically drooling, at least until Cedric gave him a nudge.

"Pop," he said.

"Oh yeah," Cyril said, regaining his senses. "Rita, good of you to make it."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Rita said. "What a very . . . . . quaint little mansion you have, Cyril. A bit small, but very quaint."

"Small, yes," Cyril said. "Just what I was telling my son moments ago. I may have to renovate the place. This house is too small."

Cedric and Sophia exchanged a glance. There was something about this Rita Ritzley that neither of them liked. Cyril led her over to the two of them (well, three, actually. Sophia was holding Forest).

"Rita, I'd like you to meet my son, Cedric," he said. "And his . . . . . well . . . . . partner, let's say, for lack of better word . . . . Sofa Gir—er, Sophia."

"He doesn't call her Sophia too often," Cedric said.

"Uh huh," Rita said a little distantly. Then she caught sight of Forest. "And _what_, may I ask, is _that_?"

"_That_," Sophia said, becoming a little edgy. She didn't like the way Rita had referred to Forest. "Is our baby."

"Yeah," Cyril said, clearing his throat. "Rita, this is my grandson, Forest."

"Oh how . . . . ." Rita said, a little hesitantly. "Sweet."

"I, uh, take it you don't like children?" Cedric asked.

"Oh _non_sense!" Rita shouted, in mock enthusiasm. Then she proceeded to pinch Forest's cheek, something he absolutely hated. And he really hated Rita's grip. It was too tight.

"I simply adore children!" Rita shouted, through clenched teeth. She finally let go of Forest's cheek, and the baby promptly buried his face in Sophia's shoulder, whimpering.

"You know, Forest is very choosy about people," Sophia said. "He knows when he doesn't like someone, and he knows when they don't like him."

"Oh what does he know about people?" Rita asked, taking a compact out of her purse. She opened it, and began to check over her hair and make-up. "He's just a stupid baby!"

"Excuse me!" Sophia shouted.

"Why don't you go put the baby to bed?" Cyril cut in before a cat fight could break out. "Like right now?"

"Gladly," Sophia said, glaring at Rita. "Say goodnight to Daddy and Grandpa, sweetie."

"Night-night, Daddy," Forest said. "Night-night, Gampa."

"Goodnight, Forest," Cedric replied, tussling Forest's hair.

"Yeah, goodnight already," Cyril said. "Get going, Sofa Girl. Move it!"

Sophia gave Rita a final glare, and began walking up the stairs. She put Forest into the crib, and ran her fingers along his ears.

"What do you think of Grandpa's new friend?" she asked.

"Yuck!" Forest shouted.

"My sediments exactly. But we can't do much about it. Let's just hope whatever business he has to do with Miss Ritzley is short lived. Goodnight, Forest."

"Night-night, Mama," was Forest's reply.

Sophia turned on Forest's mobile, and left the room. When she walked into the dining room, she found Cyril and Rita talking money, and laughing over things as if they had known each other for a long time. Cedric was staring at them suspiciously.

"Sophia, do you notice something strange about the way Pop's acting towards Miss Ritzley?" he asked.

"Well, I recognize the look on his face," Sophia said. "He's starting to look at Miss Ritzley in the way you looked at me when we first met. In fact, he was starting to look like that yesterday when they first met at Lady Baden-Baden's party."

"You don't actually think Pop's in love . . . . . . do you?"

"Stranger things have happened, Cedric. But I honestly don't think your father could ever fall in love. Not with anything other than money."

Cedric nodded. Sophia did have a point there, but somehow, he wasn't so sure. He just kept a close eye on the two of them. Cyril was telling Rita about the time he was going to build a hockey arena over the Evergreen Lake.

"And I would have made big bucks on that," he said. "If those stupid Raccoons hadn't botched things up."

"I know what you mean," Rita said. "I was never too fond of raccoons myself. They always cause trouble. Why, I wouldn't even be caught dead hanging around one! And anyone of our status hanging around them is simply . . . . . tacky!"

"Hear that, Cedric?" Cyril asked.

"I heard," Cedric replied. "And I can't say I agree with you, Miss Ritzley."

"Me neither," Sophia said. She stood up, and started towards the kitchen. "If you all will excuse me, I have a column to finish for the newspaper."

"_News_paper?" Rita scoffed. "Oh Cyril, don't tell me your own daughter-in-law works at a _news_paper!"

"Unfortunately, she does," Cyril grumbled. "And every winter, she pretends she's Peggy Lemming. I'm sorry to say this, but she has no idea how to handle the high life! Cedric's just as bad. He'd rather play hockey and cook the meals around here than take over the business! With parents like that, I dread to think about how Forest is going to turn out!"

"Come on, Pop, it's not all that bad," Cedric said. "After all, Sophia did win the Olympic gold medal in figure skating awhile back."

"Shut up, Cedric!" Cyril shouted.

"Okay, Pop."

Cedric stood up, and went towards the kitchen. Rita watched him go, and shook her head.

"You do realize he's a bit of a wimp, don't you?" she asked.

"I tried to get him to be more assertive once," Cyril said with a shrug. "But it was a dismal failure. Hey, can't win 'em all. But I never say that when it comes to money."

Rita happened to agree with Cyril there. After what seemed like an endless visit, Rita finally decided it was time for her to leave. She took her wrap from Floyd, and turned to Cyril.

"I had a marvelous time, Cyril," she said. "We must do it again sometime. Have your people contact my people, and we'll do lunch."

"Sounds good to me," Cyril said.

Rita then leaned forward and gave Cyril a kiss on the cheek, which caused him to nearly melt right then and there.

"I'll be looking forward to our next meeting, Cyril, darling," she said, walking out the door.

"I'll be looking forward to our next meeting, Cyril, darling," Floyd mimicked, once Rita was out of sight and earshot. "Yeeccchhh! Ptooey!"

"Oh shut up!" Cyril yelled, giving Floyd a kick in the rear end.

There was no doubt about it. Cyril was definitely in love. So was Rita, as a matter of fact. And she was telling her driver about it.

"Oh Stames," she said. "You wouldn't believe how in love I am. With Cyril Sneer's money! I'll have that old fossil wrapped around my little finger in a matter of days, and then I'll move to his money!"


	4. The Engagement

For the next few nights, Cyril was spending more time with Rita, and less time at home. Cedric was becoming a little worried. He couldn't shake this uneasy feeling he had about Rita. He was talking to Bert about it one day while the two of them were out fishing.

"I don't know why, but I just don't like this Rita Ritzley," he admitted. "But Pop sure seems to like her!"

"He's in love with something other than money?" Bert asked, a little surprised. "I find that hard to believe!"

"I know. I find it a little surprising, too. But I'm still uneasy about it."

"Well, from what I've heard about Rita Ritzley, she's young. Right?"

"Yeah, she's about my age."

"That's why you're uneasy. Who wants a stepmother who's the same age as you are?"

"I guess that's it. But there's something else I don't like. And Forest doesn't like her, either."

"Maybe you oughta keep your eye on ol' Cyril whenever he's around Rita."

Cedric nodded. Unfortunately, keeping an eye on Cyril when he was with Rita was easier said than done. Most of the time, the two of them were on the town, and Cyril kept telling Cedric to manage the business while he was out. He didn't trust the Pigs with it. Cedric was starting to do more business than Cyril was! At one point, Cedric fell asleep in one of the books he was going over, since he was working so hard.

"Cedric?" Sophia asked.

"Huh? What?" Cedric asked, jolting to attention.

"Daddy go night-night?" Forest asked.

"Just for a little bit, Forest," Cedric said, tussling his son's hair. "It's like Pop's spending more time with Rita Ritzley than he is with his business!"

"I know," Sophia said with a sigh. "He's been out with her every night for two whole weeks! I think he's starting to get serious about this relationship with her."

"And that makes me nervous."

Sophia nodded. Before they could go any further in the conversation, Cyril came into the office just then, humming. Cedric and Sophia stared at him as if he had lost his mind completely.

"Good morning, good morning," he said. He took Forest from Sophia, and set him on his shoulders. "Wonderful day, isn't it, Forest?"

"You're certainly in a good mood. Mr. Sneer," Sophia said.

"That's right, my dear, that's right," Cyril replied. "At this point, nothing can spoil my mood!"

"Not even if the Pigs lost you a fortune?" Cedric asked. "Like say three million dollars and fifty-six cents?"

Cyril turned towards Cedric, and his eyes glazed over. He started to look pale, and just stared at his son, like he couldn't believe what he just said.

"THEY _WHAAAAT_!" Cyril shrieked. With that, Forest burst into tears and began wailing at the top of his voice. He normally laughed when Cyril lost it, but he was never sitting on Cyril's shoulders whenever he lost it before!

"Take it easy, Pop!" Cedric shouted, taking the baby from Cyril's shoulders. "I was just making it up!"

"Never kid about my money, Cedric," Cyril said. "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Sorry, Pop," Cedric said. Then he and Sophia took the baby out of the room so Cyril could go back to work.

"So how serious could it be?" Sophia asked. "He's still hooked on making money."

"Yeah," Cedric said with a nod. "But I'm still not so sure . . . . ."

That night, Cyril told the Pigs to make plans for a huge dinner party. He even let Cedric and Sophia invite the Raccoons and Schafer over to the mansion for it.

"He's inviting us to a party?!" Bert shouted, incredulously.

"What's gotten into your father, Cedric?" Melissa asked.

"Rita Ritzley," Cedric answered. "I think Pop's fallen head over heels for her. He also wants you guys to bring a camera, and take notes about it. He says he has something planned that will make front page news."

"What's that?" Ralph asked.

"I don't know," Cedric shrugged. "All I caught was something about a merger. Maybe he's going to merge with Miss Ritzley's business or something."

"Probably," Melissa said. "Well, Cedric, we'll be there."

Cedric nodded, and left the Evergreen Standard's headquarters.

That night, everyone showed up at the Sneer mansion for Cyril's dinner party. He had made it a formal affair, much to Bert's dismay. He didn't particularly care for dressing up. And he knew at these formal engagements, there wasn't going to be any peanut butter in the near vicinity.

"Psst!" he hissed. "Hey Cedric! Where's the peanut butter?"

"In the kitchen," Cedric said. "But I wouldn't advise going in there."

"How come?" Bert asked.

"Because the cooks will chase you out with a carving knife," Lloyd said, coming over. "So you'll either have to do without peanut butter, or risk becoming a coon skin cap if you want to go get some!"

"But how can you have a party without any peanut butter?" Bert asked.

Cedric took off his glasses for a minute, rubbed his eyes, and sighed. He could tell that this was going to be a long night.

After a little while, Cyril had everyone gathered around the dining room table to make an announcement. Rita was sitting next to him, smiling.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Cyril said. "And I use the term as loosely as possible . . . . ."

"Oh brother," Ralph muttered under his breath.

"I'd like to make an important announcement," Cyril, not having heard Ralph, continued. "And I'd like to get this in that paper of yours if I can, so get that camera ready. Just so long as it's not the one with the ultra bright flash bulb."

"You're never gonna let me live that one down, are ya, Cyril?" Bert asked.

Cyril just glared at Bert, and didn't respond. Instead, he turned towards Rita.

"I want all of you to be the first to know," he said. "That Miss Rita Ritzley has consented to merge."

"Great, Pop," Cedric said.

"That's what this is all about?" Bert asked. "A crummy business merger? I gave up a peanut butter casserole for this?!"

"Not that kind of merger, you idiot!" Cyril shouted.

"What do you expect from a raccoon?" Rita asked, rolling her eyes. "They've got brains the size of peanuts!"

"Hey!" Bert shouted. "You're right, Cedric, there is something about her!"

"What I meant by merge," Cyril said, ignoring Bert. "Is that we're getting married!"

"MARRIED!" everyone shouted at once.

"That's right," Rita said, holding up her hand to reveal a diamond engagement ring. "Cyril proposed this afternoon, and I agreed to become Mrs. Cyril Sneer."

Cedric felt a little faint upon hearing the news. The others were a bit shocked as well. Nobody could believe what had just happened, but there was nothing anyone could do about it.

A few days went by. Cedric was still recovering from the initial shock. He and Sophia still agreed that there was something funny about Cyril's relationship with Rita. The Pigs were beginning to suspect something as well.

"I don't like it," Lloyd said. "I don't like it one bit!"

"But how are we going to talk the boss out of it?" Floyd asked.

"I don't think we can talk him out of it," Cedric said with a sigh. "We might have to just grin and bear it."

"I'll bear it," Boyd said. "But I refuse to grin."

"Here comes Miss Ritzley now," Sophia said. "And she's talking to her driver over the wedding."

The Pigs immediately ran to the doorway to eavesdrop on the conversation.

"Move over, Lloyd!" Floyd shouted, pushing his brother. "I want to hear this!"

"Guys!" Cedric shouted. "I don't think Pop will like it if he knew you were eavesdropping."

"Don't you two want to know what she's up to?" Lloyd asked.

"I rank eavesdropping up there with reading someone's diary," Sophia said. "It's an invasion of privacy. But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception. Move over!"

"Hey wait for me!" Cedric shouted.

And with that, Cedric and Sophia raced to the doorway to listen in on the conversation. They wouldn't normally stoop this low, but they wanted to know everything about Rita Ritzley and what she was planning once she married Cyril, and this would probably be the only way they could do that.

"You know Stames, once I marry Cyril, there are going to be a lot of changes around here," Rita said. "First of all those Pigs. They'll be the first things to go! I'll convince Cyril to give them the boot, and use my servants!"

The Pigs drew in a breath, and began to shudder. They didn't like the sound of that.

"As far as Cedric goes," Rita continued. "I'll send him to military academy, so he can toughen up. I can't have a wimp taking control of business, now can I? And I'll send Sophia to finishing school, so she can learn to be a socialite. She can not continue this newspaper job of hers, or ice skating when she has this much money!"

Cedric and Sophia glanced at each other. They didn't like the sound of that!

"As for that snot nosed little brat of theirs . . . ." Rita continued. "The minute he's old enough, off he goes to a boarding school in Switzerland! I know Cyril won't mind. I have him wrapped around my little finger. He'll do anything I tell him! I can give you at least a million reasons why I love Cyril Sneer, and they're all in the bank!"

With that, Rita began to laugh hysterically. Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs looked at each other, nervously.

"I knew it," Cedric said. "I just knew she was only interested in Pop's money!"

"Poor Mr. Sneer," Sophia said. "He'll be so hurt when he finds out."

"Someone's got to tell him," Lloyd said.

Everyone was silent. None of them was going to come forward and volunteer to tell Cyril that his fiancé was only interested in him for his money. After awhile, the quintet just decided to go in and tell him. The question was, would Cyril believe them?


	5. Matrimonial Sabotage

Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs nervously entered Cyril's office. Cyril was checking the stock market in the business section of the newspaper.

"Uhh, sir?" Floyd said. "Can we talk to you about the wedding?"

"What about it?" Cyril asked. "I'm extremely busy here!"

"Well . . . ." Floyd said, a little nervously.

"It's about Rita, Pop," Cedric said.

"What about her?" Cyril asked.

"We have to tell you . . . . . ummm . . . . ."

"Spit it out, Cedric!"

"Uhh, Rita . . . . . she's onltrestnyomny."

Cyril looked up at Cedric as if he had lost his marbles.

"Say that again, Cedric," he said. "I didn't quite hear you."

"Rita's . . . . ." Cedric started, but he found himself mumbling again. "Onltresnyomny."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to mumble, Cedric!" Cyril shouted, starting to lose his patients. "Now what is it!"

"Your fiancé is only interested in you for your money, sir!" Floyd blurted out.

"I know," Cyril said calmly.

"And that's not the worst of it!" Boyd shouted. "She's going to fire the three of us, and send Cedric to military academy, and Sophia to finishing school, and Forest to boarding school as soon as he's old enough and . . . . say that again?"

"I know," Cyril replied. "I already know all that."

"You already know, Pop?" Cedric asked, a little surprised.

"Of course I do!" Cyril shouted. "I'm no spring chicken, you know! Why else would someone like Rita Ritzley be interested in me?"

"And you're still going through with the wedding?" Sophia asked.

"Of course I am!" Cyril shouted. "I'll double my fortune!"

Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs were sort of at a loss. They couldn't think of anything else to say that would talk Cyril out of the wedding. The Pigs were ready to give up then and there. Cedric and Sophia weren't licked yet, however. Maybe the Raccoons would have an idea about what to do, so the two of them went to the Raccoondominum and told their friends what was going on.

"She's only interested in Cyril for his money?" Melissa asked.

"I knew it!" Bert shouted. "I knew nobody could love Cyril Sneer without another motive, like his cash!"

"And the thing is he already knows about it!" Sophia shouted.

"We can't let Pop go through with the ceremony," Cedric said. "But the problem is he won't listen to us trying to talk him out of it, and we don't have any idea what to do."

"Well, if we can't talk Cyril out of the wedding," Bert said, thoughtfully. "Then we'll talk Rita Ritzley out of it!"

"How are we going to do that?" Sophia asked.

"Just leave it to me," Bert said. "I know exactly what I'm doing, and I've got a great idea!"

"Better have a back up plan ready just in case," Ralph said. "We know how your great ideas always turn out, Bert."

Bert glared at Ralph, but told the others his idea, anyway. They would put it into action the next day. Rita was hanging at the Sneer mansion. Bert had instructed Cedric to get Cyril out of the house in any way possible, which was going to be easier said than done, but Cedric had an idea. He knew one of Cyril's weaknesses, even if Cyril was determined to keep this particular weakness a secret.

"Hi, Pop," Cedric said, walking into Cyril's office. He was carrying Forest with him.

"Is Rita here yet?" Cyril asked.

"Yeah, she's looking things over around the house. She said something about redecorating the place once she moves in."

"Just so long as it's not pink."

"Yeah. Uhh, Pop? Do you think you could do me a favor?"

"What is it, Cedric?"

"Well, do you think you could watch Forest for a couple of hours? I . . . . . need to take care of a few things."

"And why can't Sofa Girl watch him?"

"She's busy . . . . helping Rita prepare for the wedding. Rita said something about needing another woman around to give her a hand with things."

"I see. Well, all right, Cedric. Where's the playpen?"

"I thought maybe you guys could go outside for awhile. You know, maybe take Forest to the playground or something?"

Cyril put down his paper and glared at Cedric for a moment or so.

"You actually _think_ I'd go outside and walk around pushing a stroller in public?!" he shouted. "What do you take me for, Cedric?!"

"Well, I just thought that . . . . ." Cedric started. "Well, you know how much Forest loves you, Pop."

"Forget it, Cedric! I'm not gonna do it. If you want me to watch the baby, then get the playpen in here, because I can not have him underfoot while I'm working!"

"Come on, Pop, you could use some fresh air, you know. And so could the baby."

Cyril was about to argue about it a little more, until he looked directly at Forest. The baby was staring at his grandpa with his big, blue eyes, and reaching out to him, gurgling. Cyril hated it when Forest looked at him like that, because he just couldn't resist his grandson when he looked at him like that.

"Oh all right," Cyril groaned. "I'll do it."

"Thanks, Pop," Cedric said, giving the baby to Cyril.

"Come here, you," Cyril said to Forest. "Why did you have to go and inherit your mother's eyes?!"

Forest just laughed. Cyril sighed, and went to go find the stroller. Once he was gone, Cedric pulled a walkie-talkie he was hiding in Forest's baby bag out, and pushed a button on it.

"Okay, Bert," he said. "Pop took the bait."

"Great," Bert said, from the basement of the mansion. "Ralph, Schafer, and I have got everything set down here. You and Sophia know what to do, right?"

"Right. All we have to do now is wait for Pop to leave."

Cedric turned off the walkie-talkie just as Cyril came back into the office to retrieve the baby bag from Cedric.

"What are you doing, Cedric?" Cyril asked. "What's with the walkie-talkie?"

"Well, I was just talking to Bert, Pop," Cedric said. "I thought this would save money on the phone bill if I talked to him on a walkie-talkie instead of calling on the phone. It also wouldn't tie up your business line."

"Right."

Cyril gave Cedric a funny look. He had a feeling that Cedric was up to something, but he pushed the thought out of his mind, for the time being. He just figured that Cedric was uneasy about acquiring a stepmother, especially one who was about the same age as him. So he just shrugged it off, and left the mansion. Cedric watched him go, making sure he was out of sight before he contacted Bert again with the walkie-talkie.

"Okay, he's gone," he said.

"Good," Bert said. "Now it's time for Operation Break Up! You go down and get the lead in going. Then I'll wait for you to give me my cue, and we'll really shake things up!"

Cedric and Bert signed off, but left their walkie-talkies on. Cedric went down the stairs and into the den. Rita was going through some magazines, talking with someone on her cell phone. Sophia was standing by the window, hanging up the curtains she was mending a few days before.

"Do you honestly have to do that?" Rita asked her, hanging up her phone. "That's what the Bacon Brains are for!"

"I happen to like doing it," Sophia said.

"Besides," Cedric replied. "Sophia not being a socialite is the least of your worries."

"What are you talking about?" Rita asked.

"Didn't the boss tell you?" Lloyd asked. "The mansion is built on an earthquake fault line!"

"That's why he got the mansion so cheap," Boyd said.

"Fault line?" Rita asked. "You stupid hunk of lard! The Evergreen Forest is nowhere on a fault line!"

"That's what they want you to think," Lloyd said.

"Every few so often, an earthquake will hit," Lloyd said. "It's a known fact!"

"And we're due for one," Cedric said. "In fact, we're due for an earthquake any minute now!"

That was Bert's cue. He, Ralph, and Schafer had rigged up a device in the basement to make it feel like an earthquake was going on. Bert hit a button, and the mansion began to shake. Rita didn't know what the heck was going on. She let out a scream, and jumped to her feet.

"An earthquake!" she yelled.

"Brace yourselves!" Boyd shouted, grabbing onto a table leg.

To make it look convincing, Cedric, Sophia, and the two Pigs began to run for cover. Rita was panicking. She had never been in an earthquake before. Seeing her running around the room like a chicken with it's head cut, and screaming was a pretty funny sight, so Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs were having a difficult time keeping straight faces. But they managed. After what seemed like a reasonable amount of time, Bert turned off the machine.

"That oughta shake things up," he said. "Bet she'll be heading for the hills now!"

"And if she isn't," Ralph said. "Melissa's ready upstairs with a little surprise of her own."

Back upstairs, the Pigs staid underneath the table, and Cedric and Sophia stood firmly in the doorway. Rita looked around, wide eyed with shock and surprise. She regained her bearings and just stared at Cedric and Sophia.

"Wh . . . . . what are you two doing still there?" she asked. "The earthquake's over! Isn't it?"

"Sure it is," Lloyd said. "We're just being prepared for the next earthquake!"

"Next earthquake?!" Rita shouted.

"There should be another one right about . . . . ." Cedric said, punching buttons on the calculator.

A low rumble was heard, and the floor began to shake again. Rita screamed, and grabbed onto the couch for dear life.

"Now," Cedric said, finishing his sentence.

Rita held onto the couch like there was no tomorrow! Finally the shaking stopped. Rita looked at Cedric, Sophia, and the Pigs, who were coming out from their shelters, and began to catch her breath.

"How often are these earthquakes?" she asked.

"Hard to say," Cedric said, with a shrug. "Any time between every hundred years, or every fifteen minutes."

"And then there are the aftershocks," Sophia said. "Floods, fires, you name it, we get it."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Rita shouted. "What do you mean floods and fires?"

"Well, I smell a flood coming on," Lloyd said. "And they come on so suddenly, too."

"What?" Rita asked.

Before anything else could happen, Floyd, from outside, quietly opened the window, stuck the garden hose inside, and turned it on full blast, soaking Rita. She let out a screech. Floyd then turned off the hose and closed the window just as Rita spun around. Luckily, she didn't see Floyd.

"Suddenly, what can I say?" Lloyd said, shrugging, as if to say "I told you so."

"How can you live like this?!" Rita shouted.

"Practice," Cedric said. "Pop doesn't want to move because the rent's cheap here."

"No problem," Rita said, through clenched teeth. "I can handle this. I really can. I'll just have to deal with liquid assets for awhile, if we get a lot of floods."

"Did the boss happen to mention the . . . . . infestation?" Lloyd said.

"Infestation?" Rita repeated.

"Yeah, we have a pest problem," Boyd said.

"I'll say," Rita growled. "Piggy pests!"

"No, actually," Sophia said. "Sometimes . . . . . we get rats."

"Rats!" Rita shouted. "You're putting me on!"

"No, we're not," Cedric said. "We get a lot of rats in the kitchen."

"I'm going to look for myself!" Rita shouted.

Rita made her way into the kitchen. Melissa was hiding in the pantry, holding onto a piece of string. On the end of the piece of string on the other side of the room, was a very large, realistic-looking, stuffed rat. It was hidden from sight. Melissa was waiting for Rita to walk closer to the string. Finally, she stopped where Melissa wanted her to, and the raccoon pulled the string. The rat came out from it's hiding place and shot across the floor. Rita screamed, and jumped up onto the table.

"That's the biggest rat I ever saw!" she shouted. "CEDRIC! CEDRIC, GET IN HERE NOW!"

"What's the matter?" Cedric asked.

"A rat!" Rita yelled. "A giant rat! It just ran across the floor!"

"I told you," Cedric said. "But we just have to put up with them. Pop refuses to hire an exterminator. He says they charge too much."

"Oooh!"

"And that's not the worst of it."

"You mean there's more?! What could be worse than rats?!"

"There's also Snag."

"Cyril's lazy mutt? What's the matter with him?"

"Well, sometimes, Snag can get very vicious, even towards us."

"Oh come on now! He's never vicious towards Cyril, or to you! Or that stupid baby of yours, for that matter! In fact, every time I see that stupid dog, he's asleep!"

"I know, but you never know when Snag's going to turn on someone. There are times when he'll just start foaming at the mouth, and he'll go on a rampage and just attack the first thing he sees."

At the moment, Snag was sleeping in the living room. Bert snuck in with a can of whipped cream. He shook the can, opened it, and sprayed the whipped cream all over Snag's mouth.

"The perfect mad dog if I ever saw one!" he laughed. "Now to make sure Rita's his victim . . . . ."

Bert was glad Snag was sleeping near the doorway. All he had to do was position one of his legs to be sticking out, and guaranteed for someone to step on it. Luckily, Rita and Cedric were about to enter the room. They were arguing whether or not Snag was capable of being a mad dog. Cedric saw Bert, and Bert gave Cedric a thumb's up, and then ducked behind the couch. The minute Rita walked into the room, she accidentally stomped on Snag's leg, with her spiked heel shoe.

"YIPE!" Snag shouted, waking up from his sleep. He didn't appreciate the rude awakening. He turned towards Rita and began growling fiercely at her. Rita took a good look at him and screamed at the top of her voice.

"MAD DOG!" she yelled, racing out of the room. Snag ran after her, barking and growling. Bert couldn't take it much longer. He began laughing like crazy.

"I love it, I love it!" he laughed. "This is just too priceless! If that doesn't get rid of her, I don't know what will!"

As luck would have it, Rita had opened the front door of the mansion just as Cyril was returning.

"What in blazes?" he asked. "Rita, what's going on?"

"YOU CREEP!" Rita yelled, giving Cyril a good slap in the fast. "IT'S NOT WORTH IT! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!"

"What are you talking about?" Cyril asked.

"Take back your stupid ring!" Rita yelled, yanking the engagement ring off her finger and throwing it to the ground. "A house on an earthquake fault line, rats in the kitchen, and now a mad dog! I tell you, it isn't worth it!"

"Fault line?" Cyril asked, beyond confused. "Rats? Mad dog? What in blazes . . . . ."

Cyril looked at Snag, and inspected the "foam" at his mouth. He wiped some of it off with his finger, smelled it, and then tasted it.

"It's whipped cream," Cyril said. "And what do you mean fault line? There's no fault line around here! Who told you there was?"

"Well, Cedric, and the Pigs did," Rita said.

"I'm beginning to see where you got the idea about rats around here," Cyril said, glaring toward Cedric. "I'm beginning to smell a few. Nine, to be exact! CEDRIC!"

"Uh oh," Bert said. "We're busted."

Cedric groaned, and he and Bert walked into the main hallway. Sophia and the Pigs followed, and Melissa, Ralph, and Schafer showed themselves.

"What exactly were the lot of you thinking?!" Cyril demanded.

"You can't marry her, sir!" Lloyd shouted. "And we can't let you, either!"

"We know you know she's only interested in your money, Mr. Sneer," Sophia said. "But you can't possibly build a life together based on that!"

"Of course this marriage will work, Sofa Girl!" Cyril shouted. "The wedding will go on as scheduled, and that's final!"

Cyril stormed out of the room just then. Rita glared at the group and smiled an obnoxious smile.

"Mark my words, pets," she said. "I'll make your lives miserable the moment I say I do."

"Believe me, lady," Bert grumbled. "You already have."


	6. I Do, He Doesn't!

The wedding was exactly one week later. Although no one was really looking forward to it, except maybe Cyril, and Rita, but only because of the fact that both would end up doubling her fortune by marrying. Also by this time, Cedric, Sophia, and the Raccoons were out of ideas to break Cyril and Rita up.

Finally, it was the big day. Cyril and Cedric were getting ready for it.

"Here it is, Cedric," Cyril said. "The moment of truth."

"Yeah, I know," Cedric said.

"I never thought this day would come, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I know, Pop. Uhh, good luck, I guess."

"You don't sound too excited about this."

"Well . . . . . actually, Pop, I'm a little uneasy about this whole thing."

"I kind of had the feeling. And I know exactly what the problem is."

"You do?"

"Sure I do. You're just uneasy about the fact that Rita is about the same age as you are. Anybody would be uneasy having a stepmother around the same age as they are!"

"Uhhh, no, that's not exactly what I meant."

"You still hung up on Rita only interested in my money?"

"I just don't think you should go through with this."

"Forget it, Cedric, there is no changing my mind."

"Whatever you say, Pop. I just hope this works out well for you. After all, if you and Rita decide to get a divorce or something like that, half of everything is hers."

"Half? Half of everything? Hers?"

"Yeah. Well, good luck, anyway, Pop."

Cedric sighed, and left his father alone. Clearly, nothing he could say or do was going to change Cyril's mind about calling off the wedding. However, upon hearing what Cedric had just told him, Cyril was beginning to have second thoughts.

Rita was getting ready, herself. She was in an upstairs room of the Sneer mansion, since the wedding was going to be held in the backyard.

"Now let's see," she said, as she straightened out her dress. "I think I have everything. And by the time this wedding is over, I certainly will have everything!"

Rita checked her hair and make up one last time, and then started down the stairs. As she was coming down, Melissa began taking photos. Rita had asked (well, practically ordered, actually) the Raccoons to make the wedding the social event of the season in the Evergreen Standard, and that meant all the pictures Melissa could possibly take.

"Be sure you get my good side," she said. "Because if you don't, I'll reduce that newspaper of yours to recycling!"

"Of course," Melissa said, through gritted teeth. Rita walked out of the room just then, and Melissa stifled the urge to throw the camera at her.

"I don't know why I'm even doing this," she sighed.

"Maybe we can still stop this before it goes too far," Bert said. "When he says the line about why these two shouldn't get married . . . . ."

"If we did that, we'd probably get clobbered," Ralph said. "Rita Ritzley is tougher than she looks."

Bert nodded. Ralph did have a point there.

About an hour later, everything was ready. Bert sat down next to Cedric and looked at him.

"Any luck talking your dad out of this?" he asked.

"None whatsoever," Cedric said with a sigh. "I might as well get used to the idea of military academy. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will be."

"Right. It'll probably be worse!"

Cedric sighed, but said nothing. Rita was starting to come down the aisle. She passed by the Pigs, who were busy bawling their eyes out, wailing at the tops of their lungs.

"What are you three crying about?" Ralph asked.

"We always cry at weddings," Boyd said. He pulled out his handkerchief and blew into it, but it ended up sounding like a sick goose.

"Dearly beloved," the officiant said. Bert stifled a snort upon hearing that.

"We are gathered here today to join Cyril Sneer and Rita Ritzley in holy matrimony," the officiant continued. "Do you Rita, take Cyril for your lawful wedded husband . . . . ."

"_Awful_ wedded husband is more like it," Bert mumbled. Nobody heard him.

". . . . for sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for as long as you both shall live?" the officiant said.

"You bet I do!" Rita shouted. "For richer and richer, even! I'll take him for all he's worth!"

"Do you, Cyril," the officiant continued, oblivious to everything. "Take Rita to be your lawfully wedded wife, and all that stuff there?"

"Well . . . ." Cyril started, still thinking about how half of everything he owned would be Rita's if he went through with this.

"Come on, come on!" Rita shouted. "I want to get this merger over with before the stock market closes!"

"Now wait a minute," Cyril said. "I'm not exactly sure about this anymore . . . ."

"Oh come on!" Rita shouted. "Hurry up and get this wedding over with, you old geezer!"

"Wait a minute!" Cedric shouted, standing up. "You can't talk to my pop like that!"

"What are you going to do about it, Four Eyes?" Rita asked, putting her hands on her hips. She glared at Cedric fiercely.

"Just who are you calling Four Eyes!" Cyril shouted. "You can't talk to my son like that!"

"Oh please, he can't even fight for himself!" Rita shouted. "There are going to be some major changes around here!"

"Yeah, and I'm making one right now!" Cyril shouted, and he began storming towards the house. "This wedding is off! Get off my property!"

"Huh! But . . . . you . . . . you can't do that!" Rita shouted.

"I can and I will!" Cyril shouted. "Out! Now!"

Rita began walking for the door just then, all in a huff. Before she left, though, she turned toward Cyril.

"You haven't heard the last of me, Sneer!" she shouted. "I'll sue you for everything you've got!"

"Hit the road, Jackie," Cyril said.

Rita stormed out of the mansion. Once she was gone, Cyril sighed.

"Well, there goes another whirlwind romance," he said.

"Don't take it so hard, Pop," Cedric said. "She just wasn't the right one for you. But don't give up. I'm sure there's someone out there."

"Yeah well," Cyril said. He was silent for a moment or so, but then he finally stood up, and headed for the house. "Don't just stand there, Cedric! I need to find out how much time and money I just wasted here! Let's move! We've got a lot of work to do!"

"Sure, Pop," Cedric said, and he started to follow Cyril into the mansion to hit the books. The others just started to laugh.

"Same old Cyril," Bert said. "He's not going to let romance come between him and his money!"

The End


End file.
